today, i went to my nancy's mom's wake.  i was pretty fine until they brought out the casket, and i started blubbering.

 as i landed in jfk, i turned on my phone to a text msg from nancy asking me if i can sing at the wake.  i said yes.  

noelia said she already has the perfect song.  i was pretty nervous because it was a song i didn't know, and felt like i was going to mess up during the actual wake.  but it went without a glitch.  i saw nancy crying.  

it is SUCH a blessing to be a blessing.  thank You Lord for the voice YOU'VE given me.  

at the dinner afterwards, nancy's uncles came up to me and said that the song really blessed them.  i think they really meant it.  they weren't saying it just to be nice.  i tried my best not to cry when they were telling me, because it meant so much to me that i can do something nice for them.  

i didn't think i was going to cry all too much, but i ended up sobbing.  the uncertainty and breadth of life, it amazes me.  she was like a second mom to me too.  i miss you.  

you would think after many funerals,  that one would get accustomed to death.  i feel like i've been to so many funerals these past two years.  but you never do.  it's fresh each time.  the grieving is fresh each time.  the loss is felt the same depth each time.  

i don't regret flying out here for the funeral.  i'm glad that i can be a friend to my friend in her time of need.  

i think about this gift God's given me.  sometimes, it feels more like a burden than a gift.  because, it is not mine for me to hoard or do with it whatever i want.   i feel like i have an obligation to use it, and sometimes i feel more like a tool than a person--or that people don't see the person i am as a whole, and focus just on the voice [which isn't all THAT amazing].  but today, i thanked God over and over again, that i can bless my friend, and bless those that choose to be blessed by my singing.  i feel so full and contented.  

this sunday, i'm going to sing a song by nichole nordeman entitled "Gratitude."   i feel like that is the theme of my recent months.  all those nights crying, not exactly sure about finances, direction in life, self-esteem...  everything.  learning to choose to be grateful.  learning to see the up's instead of the down's.  i haven't starved yet.  i've always had plenty to eat.  i have people who love me so dearly west coast and east coast.  i am so blessed.  i am so blessed.  i forgot that people really love me.  but they do.  o, they do.  

this pastor that i met during the tour, in his sermon, he said that waiting teaches us to be grateful.  i'm learning, Father...  i'm learning to lean, wait, and trust in You; to look to You.  i fall so so short, but thank You for grace--the grace to fall, and the grace to get back up and keep chugging along this journey.  

i'm really excited to sing this song.  it's been on my heart for a while now.   

thought #1: i was having a slightly hard morning, and on my drive to berkeley to meet sam cho, the song "holy spirit, have your way" came on.  it helped bring everything back into perspective.  the concept of laying down one's life and picking up one's cross--we seem to put lines and restrictions around it.  we say, "God, i'll give you my life," but in actuality, we say, "God, i'll give you my life, but only up to this point."  or, "God, i'll give you my life, but this is where i draw the line."  this is enough.  and i was thinking about that today.  how i've drawn lines around my life, and it's so hard to surrender things that i feel are "my rights."  and seriously...  even though i know in my head that God is the greatest joy, sometimes the hardships of life seem so much more real.  but the song filled me with strength, and i felt ready to tackle the day.  it actually carried me throughout the whole day--remembering the correct position of God in my life, and me in my life, in reference to the right placement of God in my life.  

thought 2: i was driving down central, driving by the beach.  it rained a lot today, and there were many palm fronds on the ground--the dead ones.  they were brown and lifeless.  the wind and the rain blew the dead leaves off from the rest of the leaves.  it made me think about Holy Spirit.  i think the thought was carried on from the morning, obviously--how the Holy Spirit searches us, and the wind/breath/ruach of God searches us...  the trees in my parking lot, whole branches were on the ground.  the wind and rain can be so powerful.  

 okay.  now i'm just really sleepy and not making sense.   

i've been wanting to blog. sometimes, i even want to give in and move over to blogspot. but, no. i am faithful to the core. xanga. i have signed up with you FOR LIFE. so faithful i will be, to the end. -_____-

wanted to jot down some of my thoughts.

i have 2 blogs. one on my church website and here, my ever old friend, xanga.

this week has been a tough week. i thought, "how ironic... AFTER you preach about suffering, you feel so afflicted." sometimes, it amuses me that i can feel so afflicted and pained, even when there is not much going on in my life.

my seemingly everlasting thorn--money. it's been on my mind a lot.

somehow, i missed or overlooked that my loans come in three times a year, so i am not getting any loans this summer. it totally threw me into the PIT OF DESPAIR... [princess bride].

it's like.. a bunch of little things all meshing and hurting me.

so i preached for the first time this past sunday. it was a really great experience. i realized that preaching is truly not my thing. i thought i'd enjoy it at least somewhat. but there wasn't really a hint of fun in it. except that i want to see Truth be spoken. i realized that i'd rather sing all day and be exhausted than preach for 30 minutes.

i shared a bit about my life. during the process of preparing for the sermon, it was pretty exhausting. i always believe in being vulnerable with people. i shared a bit about my family and our hardships. i didn't realize how much i've buried it--not to ignore it or repress it--but because, hardship is hardship. moping about it is not going to help. but i guess some things just hurt more than you realize. i had to dig to the darkness i felt in the past. and it was pretty painful. even after i preached, when i got off the pulpit, i felt tears just forming in my eyes, because it hurt to bring it up.

it was a good realization though. i realized it is not something that is fully okay, and something i need to continually go to God about--that there is still darkness lingering from it. there has been a lot of inconspicuous sadness underlying my life. nothing quite big. but that steady, small sadness. and it's like... a steady drip, drip, drip.. and sometimes... those are more scary, because you don't identify it until it has damaged you.

dallas willard, in his book, renovation of the heart, when he talks about the soul, he mentions how until your soul is broken, do you even recognize that there is something wrong, because when it is not broken, it is hard to identify.

and struggling financially, has left a huge imprint in my life, and darkness shrouding my heart and soul, that i had a hard time identifying, because it crept in so slowly. i spent so much of my life trying to run away from it or avoid it. and God is helping me understand that you don't run away from suffering. suffering is a part of life. but i have the courage to face it head on, because i have an eternal hope and eternal salvation, and a GOOD GOD who loves me, and loved me to death. but i live in his resurrection life. but in this life, i carry the gospel of the CRUCIFIED Christ. i live in his DEATH AND resurrection.

so. i realized, i have to ask my parents for financial help. and it was so painful to think about it and ask because i know we are struggling financially back home. and i kept thinking about my dad and my mom who wants to provide so much but not able to. how hurtful it must be for them as well. to feel like their hands are tied. also, at 27, stressing them out about money. it made me hecka sad. and a source of tears. but i'm realizing how great God is and how i can praise Him through it all. i am so thankful for that.

this week. i felt really shaken up from an incident. and it made me realize how i had slowly relaxed, and approached my Christianity casually. and that is when Satan comes and sneaks in. and i realized how all my debts keep me held down, and not living in the full freedom Christ has for me. and i am for the first time, TRULY convicted that i need to really start cutting down my debt and living more realistically. :]

there's a lot more i'm thinking about. but... i can't make sense of it in like.. words. it's still raging around in my head/heart in whirls of colors and abstract images.

i guess, all in all, what i want to say is... i do feel pressures. that's what 2 cor 4:8-9 talk about.. pressures... external and internal. you feel hard-pressed on all sides... but man, it is making me run to God and cling. only HE is my salvation for this life and eternity. psalm 27 says.. and SURELY, i will see goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

i praise You, God. all glory to YOU. all in all, you press upon my heart... and you whisper in my ear... how you love me. and i am humbled and amazed.